Anger - a helpful emotion?

I always had been a pretty analytical, rational and calm person. I believe this characteristic of mine has treated me well so far. Sometimes I wish I could be more spontaneously excited - maybe that is a trade-off for me I can work on. But if there is an emotion that I would love to manage better then it is anger.

Let me tell you a story of when I got angry. It goes back a long time when I was coaching my old Curling team during a World Championship. The team took a time-out before playing a critical shot in a critical game. As a coach you then can go on the ice and consult with your team for one minute. We found agreement to try a shot in a controlled play, making sure the thrown stone remains in play. What then followed was what we discussed should not be played - something the skip called “speed of light” which basically means to throw the stone very very fast. The opposite of being in control. I was sitting on the coach bench behind the rink and got ANGRY when that attempt missed it’s goal. We lost the game and I did something I had never done in my Curling career. After the game the skip got a scolding in the changing room and I asked for an apology to the team.

I felt anger a few times as well in my playing career. Looking back it was most intense when my opinion was not heard, things went wrong and I was thinking “haven’t I told you".

Other moments of anger appeared when my kids became toddlers. They do not always do what you want them to do or you want them not to do. They push over full glasses, they make dirty what you just cleaned, they cry and shout when you need silence. Some of you probably understand what I am talking about. The perception of a so far controlled life got on another path.

What does Curling and family life have in common? Well, you are part of human interaction, a social gathering of people you are dependent on, close to, people who act and behave based on their personality, own experiences, needs, anxieties, strengths and expectations. The result of these diverse backgrounds is, you cannot control what people will do when and why.

At work and in sports (especially on a professional level) you do whatever you can to align your expectations, your work-stream and your strategy. Sports Psychology looks into understanding, accepting or overcoming anxieties and using and relying on your strengths - to make you successful. That is a struggle for oneself - becomes very complex for a team and of course a family. How often do we talk about our needs, strengths or our anxieties at work or in our family? Are we even aware of them? A coach can be the sports psychologist at work or at home, help finding out what success means for you and get you on that path of transition.

Reflecting on our emotions can help us to uncover patterns of our own behavior and help us to preempt unwanted reactions. My anger lesson learned is not to expect things always happen as planned or wanted and when going wrong to be more accepting and understanding of it. Take one situation of your past day and try to name what emotions occurred for you. How did you react? Why? What was the outcome of that reaction? What could have been a better outcome? Under what circumstances would I have been able to react differently? What can I do differently next time? Journaling these or other questions on a daily basis can become a very valuable tool for developing yourself, to be more self-aware and to build better relationships with others as a result.

We are so busy! Really?

There is a lot happening around us at an incredible speed. Information and requests get to us very easily nowadays - an overload. Our correspondence is happening at very high volumes through different - mainly digital - channels. Phone, email, chat, and other social media. We often feel the need to respond immediately. Do we want to meet others’ expectations? Do we not want to miss out? Or do we just want to be responsive and professional? How do we react to what is coming at us? What does it take to feel in charge and maybe energized at work or at home?

It seems to be a balancing act every day. For us who we are working in front of a PC there are meetings pushed into our agendas, messages coming in, phone calls, smart phone alerts of all kinds and still many if not all of us have to actually do some work which requires attention and concentration to create spread-sheets, write summaries, build concepts, organize meetings, write software etc.

How busy are you at work? On a scale from 1 (relaxed) to 10 (very busy) where would you rate yourself? If you rated yourself closer to the 10 what made you so busy? List the items you can remember from a day.

Which of these items or activities do you actually drive yourself? How much is directed by others? Look at your list of items and mark them with a “I” or “others” or maybe a combination. Then on a scale from 1 (in charge) to 10 (driven by others) where would you rate yourself?

After you have done that think about how you felt that day. E.g. another scale from 1 (happy and energized) to 10 (frustrated and demotivated). Do you see a correlation between the three scores?

Try it for another day or test it out tomorrow. Of course we can have days where we are very busy, feel in charge, happy and energized. When that has been the case then reflect on what happened, what you worked on and how, recognize a pattern or a flow that seems to work well for you and then try to repeat it.

Your self-reflections might trigger some further thinking and awareness about e.g. how much time you spent on what activity. You might start to realize that the “what” you are doing and the “why” can cause certain emotions in yourself.

If you had scored more on the right hand side you could check how focused and present you had been throughout the day. If you for example had many meetings and you did not pay a lot of attention to them - what makes you to attend them at the first place? Meeting others’ expectations? What are you clear about those expectations and what are your assumptions? “I am invited therefore I have to attend.” What value do you get from a meeting when you still answer the phone, mails and chats? Is the meeting or the topic boring or not relevant? How could you help to make a meeting more interactive, more interesting? Are these calls and messages I answer simultaneously important enough so I have to take them? These many questions might help you to see the choice you have.

“May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears.” Nelson Mandela

One other aspect you could reflect on - in times of home-office for everyone - is how connected you feel at work. Let me claim that the more relaxed, in charge, happy and focused you feel the more you will feel connected.

How we approach work or our personal life has a lot to do with our mindset and not always requires turning your life inside out. If you feel like you are running in a hamster wheel you need to stop and reflect.

There is so much to do.

There is so little time.

We must go slowly.

(Taoist saying)

When we start to realize why we do things in a certain way that could be a starting point to change the mindset towards feeling more empowered, more in charge. This feels different for everyone and I hope that some of the questions and rating scales will help you to get started on that journey to become a more satisfied, confident employee and person.